Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
