Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
