someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
