I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
At least make sure they are 18
Why
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
