I think I won the penis lottery.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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