i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
