Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
