Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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