If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
