I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Omg I joined a choir last night...
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
