Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
