I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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