I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Randomize
