Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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