I hope mine doesn't look like that
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
