he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
