So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Did I show you my penis last night?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
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