please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
