I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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