I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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