i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
She tied me up with her honor cords...
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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