If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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