Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
