Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
