Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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