If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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