i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
