And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
