If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
