I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
