dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Randomize
