i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
