I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
