mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
