I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
