Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
