if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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