Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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