kristin has been a bad kristin
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
