Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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