The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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