a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
