Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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