Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
