Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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