What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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