Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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