I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I think i got beer on your cat.
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