can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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