So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
