just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
