Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Randomize
